I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
