Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
