he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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