i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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