I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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