I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
