Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
