what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
