sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
