Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
