I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
