We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
