like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
