So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
