I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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