apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
