I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
