you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
you are never too drunk for berry picking
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
