Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
