my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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