The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
