omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
