Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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