i just sent this text using only my big toe
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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