WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
