I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
