omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
