also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
