You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
