And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
even my farts smell like vagina
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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