Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
