I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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