I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
