did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
