found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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