No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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