sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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