No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That accounts for only three of the penises
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
