I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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