God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Found your dick twin last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
