apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
