I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
