dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
