We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
