you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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