So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
