An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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