Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if only i could text you this smell
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We left the knife in your bed.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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