you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
