Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
