onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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