can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
