State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
