She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
