Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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