I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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