The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
