new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
