i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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